I was not expecting what was waiting for me just as I rounded the corner. I had just took a short walk to the local paper shop to get some fresh air after the incident at home. The atmosphere was unbearable, so I used the excuse of needing bread and milk to get out of the uneasy situation. I had stayed talking to Terry for a short while and he had offered me to go upstairs for a beer and to watch the end of the match. But as tempting as it was, I would have been in serious trouble with the wife if I would have deserted her whilst world war three was going on under our roof. I cautiously lit a cigarette in the small alley beside the shop and like a teenager, removed my jacket so I didn't smell of smoke when I walked through the front door. I thought about what I was going to do when I returned to the war zone as I puffed away on the forbidden cancer stick. I figured I'd just go in, ask to speak to Johnny alone in another room, hear him out, justify his story the best way I thought possible, explain to Diane alone and as far as I was concerned, it was nobody else's business. I stomped the rest of the cigarette out on the floor and popped a few extra strong mints into my mouth. I put my jacket on and armed with my plan of action, headed back home. I took the 'secret' short cut on the way back so as to make up for the time I lost smoking, as I know how clever my wife is. I hopped over the small fence and walked through the industrial estate. Reaching in between an old tower of bricks, I took out my stashed can of body spray, sprayed myself thoroughly and placed it back in the secret hiding place that I had been using for over five years. I exited the industrial estate and turned into Cedar Drive. I stopped. I couldn't move. Literally couldn't move. It was as if my feet were pinned to the pavement and my eyes were stuck staring at one thing. My pupils were locked on to a single target and I couldn't look away. Even if I'd tried…
Thanks a lot
Suggestion:
Ok, now I don't have any good ideas for how your story might go, but this intro needs some work. Its a bit straight forward and doesn't give time for the reader to settle into the setting you are describing, I was still stuck constructing the image of you lighting a cigarette in the alley in my mind, while the story had already gone on about inside the store. Try describing the scene a bit more, give us the picture of the kind of place you are staying and the atmosphere hanging over it. Start with introducing some internal and external conflicts of your character. For example with the smoking, you could make your character comment to himself how he should really stop smoking, then go continue on with something along the lines "screw it, I need a cig" or whatever the case might be. Many people struggle breaking a habit, and you could use this later as a character defining moment when he finally does break that habit before, hypothetically, goes on to do what the reader has been screaming he should have done all along, like get back the girl, or get revenge on the guy or whatever you have planned.
So in summary:
1) Slow down. Its moving too fast. Give the reader time to submerge themsleves into the plot. Help them understand the situation. You don't have to get the whole intro done in one page.
2) Introduce themes and foundations for what kind of character you want to build with the reader
3) Give hints with how your story may develop. Is this going to be something thats dramatic, inspiring or rather action filled?
Hope that helps.
You must log in to post a comment.