Feeling like there's no hope for a happy and quiet life where my relationship's concerned, my husband is so irritable he can't stand to be around me. A little background:We have a baby boy and he goes to school 1-5.15pm daily (he's 43 and got fired 2 years ago hit badly by recession so he's attempting a career change), he had unemployment payment but that was revoked in June, he studies full time and has not found a job that would offer the 2-3 shifts per week he could squeeze in and we agreed it would be a bad idea to compromise his studies as his course is intense. I am 33 and have been supporting my family financially since Sept 2009, when we met I was his boss, I used to manage NYC restaurants but am now a stay at home mommy. When my husband smokes weed daily and has done since we met. Sometimes he smokes twice but it's always after school in the evenings. When he comes home from work he does not honor me the privilege of a conversation, he turns on the tv or checks out online poker tournaments (he plays for v v little money), he twists a simple comment I make and says I'm attacking him. Eg. I signed him up for a bone marrow donor program to help people with leukemia (they needed people of his particular ethnicity) and he claims I'm nasty and misled him as the procedure of extracting the bone marrow is painful if he was ever found to be a match. His moms been here for the past 3 weeks and Ive been with her everyday and he gives me no credit for catering to her, all the while she has no idea her son smokes weed and that I support our family and I bought all the nice things we have. I didnt care for money or material goods and Im happy to support my husband so he can better himself as no one else gave him this chance before (he supported his ex wife while she went to school) but I'm getting so fed up of feeling like he has no respect for me, when I feel like I put a lot into our marriage. He regularly gets so angry he throws things and breaks them, he's thrown smallish items at me whilst I'm holding the baby, he shouts loudly over me during arguments refusing to let me state my case, demanding I shut up immediately or else, he curses at me in front of our son daily, he nit picks at every little bad thing I do, like if something is not prepared correctly in the kitchen, or the way I close the curtains, or the way I push the stroller down two small stairs out of our apartment. Meanwhile, I hate him smoking weed but don't kill his 'me time' by telling him it sucks everyday when he goes out to do it. When I tell him not to swear at me he tells me I'm a back talker and that no one ever told me to shut up when I'm a kid. I look a little younger than my years and he treats me like a teenage girl at times. I don't know what to do he's so dependent on weed I don't see him giving up till he's graduated, he says he wants to but he's never managed a day without weed when he's been with me and blames me for smoking more. I don't drink now since I became a mother and don't do drugs (yeah I experimented in the past but have grown up since then). I keep messing up my post pregnancy diet as he stresses me so much and I eat when stressed (I used to smoke cigarettes but gave them up when I got pregnant) so I'm just staying big coz of all the stress. He thinks doctors, counselors and the like are for 'freaks and losers' not him, he's a very private person and would never ever go to either about weed or mood swings. What can I do?? I feel like the world sees his cordial side and I'm getting hell at home, I want my son to have a father but this is not going well and when we're nice to each other it feels fake because I can't forget how mean he is so regularly. Please advise!
Suggestion:
I feel for you. I really do.
When I read your post ? I thought I was reading about me and my Man. The only difference ? We don't have little ones underfoot and he has completed his education. He has been out of a regular paying job since he was let go in August 2007, and I have been supporting the family. He never got unemployment and I was laid off and get unemployment.
However, it has just ended and I am not sure what is going to happen.
We have both been looking for jobs. We are moving out of State (from California to Nevada) because everything is SO expensive.
Here is what I have learned:
Pot will always be more important to him then you are.
Believe me.
I know.
I broke up with a fiance once because of that.
I never felt first with him.
His pot was his mistress and the other woman in the relationship.
If he has extra money ? It goes to her.
His temper and temperament ? It changes drastically throughout a given day. Then he gets a taste of her and he mellows out and may fall asleep at his on-line video gambling screen.
You go to speak to him about ANYTHING ? He yells at you because you are interrupting his "play" time.
It gets to the point that she is his top priority – no matter what.
You may see him for meals and bedtime (but he spends time with her FIRST).
If you have a date or an arrangement to spend time together or to talk ? He will pick her over you.
If you have a heated discussion ? He will go to her for sympathy.
If he needs to make a decision ? He will go to her.
Eventually, he won't be able to "do it" (if you know what I mean). It is a side effect I noticed.
It will always be so.
Unless he breaks up with her.
Peace.
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