i wrote my research paper and my teacher said i need to elaborate more, because i just have facts.
can anyone help me try to make this para graph go smoother.
Furthermore, cigarette smoking is of course one of the most deadly activities that someone can engage in. “Smoking is the single most preventable cause of premature death in the United States” (Martin, n.a.). Cigarette smoking is responsible for one in five deaths annually (CDCP, n.a.). Smoking cigarettes will take off the precious years of your life as 25 million Americans will die prematurely from smoking-related illnesses such as lung cancer, heart attacks, and cardiovascular disease (CDCP, n.a.). “On average, adults who smoke cigarettes die 14 years earlier than non-smokers because of all the health issues they will receive by smoking (CDCP, n.a.). Cigarette smoking increases the time that someone will live with a disability by two years (CDCP, n.a.). These disabilities include blindness, deafness, or loss of taste. Communities where smoking was banned in many places had a drop in a number of heart attacks (Winslow, D2). A 17% decline in smoking would avoid 150,000 heart attacks in the U.S as estimated by the University Of Kansas School Of Medicine. (Winslow, D2) For example, in Pueblo, Colorado had a 36% reduction in heart attacks three years after smoking was banned in bars, restaurants, and workplaces (Winslow, D2). Smoking can also cause infertility, birth weight, and preterm delivery because smoking slows fetal growth (CDCP, n.a.). 90% of all lung cancer deaths in men are from smoking (CDCP, n.a.). Smoking increases the risk of a stroke and coronary heart disease by 2 to 4 times (CDCP, n.a.). Smoking can cause emphysema and bronchitis as well (CDCP, n.a.). These diseases can all be easily avoided by quitting and avoiding cigarettes forever. Smoking not only kills you in the ends, but it makes you lives a slow and painful death. Cigarette smoking isn’t only a problem in America, but also overseas as one million people a year die in China from smoking related illnesses. (O’Neil, 14) Smoking is basically a surefire way to ensure that you are going to die and slow and painful death.
Suggestion:
It's great that you've included tonnes of facts and figures. But your teacher is right: you need to elaborate on how exactly all these conditions are caused.
For example: Carbon monoxide robs your muscles, brain and body tissue of oxygen, making your whole body and especially your heart work harder. Over time, your airways swell up and let less air into your lungs.
Or: Nicotine acts on the heart, blood pressure and arteries and causes rapid heartbeat increased aggregation of platelets which causes blood clots; increased blood pressure; lower blood pressure for a regular smoker; increased "bad" cholesterol, total cholesterol and triglycerides.
This is only a bit. The disadvantages of smoking is a HUGE topic! You could have a paragraph for each 'ingredient' of a cigarette, and talk about each one's health problems. Link them together, and lastly, layer in the figures.
So, first discuss the negative aspects of each component of a cigarette and HOW it destroys the smoker's body, and the bodies of people around the smoker. Then, back up all this information with the appropriate figures. Your introduction could start off with some shocking, but general, figure. For instance:
"Cigarette smoking is responsible for one in five deaths annually (CDCP, n.a.)"
And in your intro, mention that in the following paper, you shall be discussing exactly why this is.
Your conclusion could be great, with another general fact or figure. Like:
“Smoking is the single most preventable cause of premature death in the United States”
And you can finish off by saying that smoking IS totally preventable.
Remember: First discuss, then back-up. Or else, the whole thing will seem dry and unattractive to the reader.
Good luck!
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