i don't need some teens advice!
ok i am 17 years old almost 18 in 4 months!
all throughout my child hood i hav been through challenges after challenges! such as
-i grew up in a home where serious fighting between my parents was a daily thing!
the fighting later turned to physical violence and my dad raping my mom while they were separated!
unfortunately my mother felt the need to share all the details about the hitting and rape with me so ya that sucks!
-when i was younger i was molested by my grandmas friends son for about a year. and when i finally got hate courage to tell my mom she says she believes me but i know she doesn't especially since my whole family is still in contact with that family and often forces me to go visit!
-in middle school i started cutting my self for about 3 years but thank god for the most part i have stopped!
-but after i stopped i got my self mixed up in 2 bad relationships with 2 older boys i was about 13 and 14 they were 19 and 18 they both were abusive and the one i lost my virginity to when i was 14 later held a gun to my head.
-the craziness in my home didn't stop after my parents divorce! it some how worsened? my dad became this crazy stalker who would break in at night and try to knock our door down in the days while i was home alone watching my brother. and the cops at our home became a NIGHTLY thing till about 2 in the morning (try waking up at 6 for school after that crazy night and still expected to get As & Bs) and court visits became our weekend outings. my dad also had my brother arrested for punching a whole in the wall because he sid he "feared for his life" my brother was 13 and about 100 pounds max my dad is about 350lbs.
-so after my brothers arrest we had to grab one backpack each and we left to go live in a shelter :/ we lived in about 3 different shelters where me my mom and my brother shared one room with one closet and 2 sets of bunk beds.
-o and not to mention i some how never feel secure in my home since my family has moved about 15 times throughout my life
-i never while i was in school smoked or drank because throughout all of this i figured my brother needed ONE good influence to raise him but now he has to live in hiding from my dad because legally hes to young to make his decision on where he wants to live. so now i have nothing so i smoke weed and drink till i almost pass out partying has become what i live for i sleep around (well ive only had sex with 5 men so i don't know if that's considered sleeping around) but here's the thing 2 of them are my cousin gross right! but they asked me to have a three some and i hate to say no i feel like i always need to say yes to ppl. i hate myself every time im laying in bed with these guys. i feel gross like sick to my stomach. like i hate them cause i feel like don't they know their taking advantage of my wanting to please people but obviously they don't how would they so then i hate myself for saying yes! i just love to feel wanted because when i was younger in elementary i was always teased so now that im more attractive people finally want me so i feel almost special that they pick me to have sex with them and not the other girls! i know its sick and disgusting but thats how i feel!
i just need some help! anything! i can't tell my mom any of this she thinks im her perfect angel she always brags about how no matter what ive been though im still so good! but im not thats the crazy part! i feel miserable inside and i wish i had a parent!
Suggestion:
With all of this hardship, I assume that college is out of the question. At least you want to have a better life. I'm not a parent, and I'm not a shrink, but I'm not a spoiled rich white boy. I'm a male, so I can never understand you completely, but I respect women and I never take advantage of them. My father was an illegal immigrant and my mother is unemployed. My mother is very fragile because she had a horrid childhood, and my father had no mother and his father was rarely raising him. I rarely see my dad because he is working, and I love my mom, but she is pretty sick most of the time. First off, I will suggest taking some courses at a community college, if you can try to go to a junior college or a two year one. Search for grants and scholarships. I admire your desire to lead your family. If you felt comfortable, your history would be very useful when writing essays for scholarships.
It seems like you seek abusive relationships, not that you consciously do, but that you are drawn to them. You feel like you have been used and so the only way you know how to please is by being used. I think a job would be a good idea as well as laying off on the partying. Really focus on doing the best you can at whatever you do.
You feel like you are worthless, but you are not, you are a caring, thoughtful individual who has been stricken by a series of terrible events. Realize that while these things may have hurt you very deeply, they do not define you. My history may have made me, but I can make myself, and you can too.
I smoke sometimes, but i stay away from alcohol because I realize that it destroyed both sides of my family.
You need to realize that you are a strong individual that can make choices. You can choose not to lay with these men. You can choose whether or not you will live in fear. You can choose whether or not you will put your heart into everything you do. Even when life seems like ****, you just need to have hope. Ever since I was little, I wanted to go to college and become a professional, and possibly a politician. I want to change lives so others don't have to go trhough what I have gone through.
Set goals, have dreams, and work. You crave attention, so show off in the workplace. Show how capable you are. Prove yourself in classes and colleges will recognize that you have potential. Take care of your body, it is a temple. Try deep meditation daily, it sounds hippie, but it has really helped my life. I used to get into pretty serious trouble when I was quite young, but I realized that I needed to control myself and I was the one who would shape my life, not people around me.
I hope the best for you and I know you can achieve whatever you want to as long as you work hard and take care of yourself. If you work hard, you will be wanted for more than your body, you will be wanted for you as a person.
Good luck and take care.
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